Life is Meant to be EnjoyedToday, December 19th, 2018, 5 kids (that I know of) passed away- 4 in another pod and 1 is actively passing 2 rooms down the hall as I write this. Something that these babies have taught me and Quinn continues to teach me each day is that life is meant to be enjoyed. So many things have happened with Quinn that were unexpected, both positive and negative, hopeful and hopeless, all unpredictable. These events continue to remind me that I want to live my life the way that I want to live it. I don’t want to live my life according to other people’s rules or expectations of me.
When Quinn was put on ECMO after 15 minutes of chest compressions, my world stopped. I felt numb. I was pissed and relieved at the same time. She was alive, but she went into cardiac arrest. My child went into cardiac arrest… Most people gloss right over this. I don’t want to. She went in for a cath procedure to see if her shunt was clotting again. They found several clots and tried to stint them. As they were stinting, her shunt was clotting again. They decided to place her on ECMO until they could figure out what to do next. As they were preparing the ECMO, she went into cardiac arrest. She received chest compressions for 15 minutes while being placed on ECMO. The doctor came in to explain what happened and for about 10 seconds, I thought she was dead. This was the most horrible and terrifying moment of my life thus far. The world stopped and I stopped. My heart, my breathing, and my thinking stopped. Up to this point, I was living in a fantasy land where everything would be okay and Quinn would live and be happy one day soon. In this one moment, all of that went away and I am still waiting for it to return. I hope it does. I see so many people living their lives without questioning things or doing things because it’s how they were raised or what they were told to do. Quite frankly, that is bullshit. I say question everything. The worst that can happen is you will learn something new about yourself or your beliefs. Watching the loved ones of these children deal with the eminent deaths is heart wrenching and brings to light the importance of certain things. Being right is not one of them. It makes me question what is important in life. With Christmas, a very status driven holiday, approaching fast, I am faced with what does Christmas mean to me. I am not a religious person and I really don’t like Christmas due to past family drama. What I would like Christmas to be is a time when family can get together and enjoy each other's company and eat great food. However I am continuously reminded that it is actually about status gifts and who can show off the best makeup or outfit that day. It’s all about appearances. It’s all so stupid and meaningless now. How are these families going to feel this Christmas that just lost their loved ones? I bet they won’t be spending it thinking about how they would rather have gotten a different gift from their significant other. Another piece to this “Life is Meant to be Enjoyed” entry is Quinn’s heart donor. Wherever her heart comes from on the map, I know that it will come from a child who is loved and cherished. This child will have to give up their heart so that my child can live her life. I will be forever grateful for the decision the family of this child will make and for the child’s life. I am determined to not waste this new heart. I want more than anything to give a purpose and a meaning to this new heart. How can I best teach Quinn to make the most of her heart? By making the most of mine. I don’t quite know what this will look like, but I hope it is amazing. And not in the overused sense of the word. I want her to live a life that is awe-inspiring. I have already started by trying to be the best version of myself. I am being more assertive and only allow positive juju around her and myself. I have started saying no to those who want to see Quinn but have only posted about her on Facebook to get attention and to those who have never cared to get to know me but all of a sudden want to see her. I don’t really give a shit about their feelings. I am here to protect her and I do that by protecting myself. I need her to see what a strong person looks like. I also want to show her how to laugh her way through tough situations without deflecting and avoiding her emotions. I want her to see that you can feel emotion without being controlled by it. I think this is a very important key to happiness and feeling fulfilled in life. Though I am not perfect at it, I hope I am a good example of what this can look like. I definitely think my husband is a wonderful role model in this area. On a different note, I have our first family vacation planned for this summer and I hope it can happen. I would love to go to Michigan on a beach somewhere in an adorable little town. This is my idea of true bliss. I want Quinn to have a sense of adventure. When she thinks back on her life, I want her to feel like she had as many unique experiences as possible. Though I am sure we will go to Florida, the whole world goes to freaking Florida. I want her to see things that most people haven’t heard of. I want her to explore a cave that I explored with an ex-boyfriend that was up a gravel road in the middle of nowhere Kentucky. That was one of the coolest things I have ever done. We actually climbed down a small whole in between tree roots into a huge cave. It was so awesome, in the truest sense of the word. For me, life is adventure. |